


The Portkey Prank of '76

by cryptonym



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Bondage, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 01:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3709403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptonym/pseuds/cryptonym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is confused, Sirius is in the doghouse, Remus isn’t talking to any of them, Peter’s easily embarrassed and Lily Evans is <i>definitely</i> impressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Portkey Prank of '76

**Author's Note:**

> Just a daft little thing I wrote for the samhain_smut fest 2014. Heavily influenced by The Grasshopper Jungle, that I had just finished reading and highly recommend! The idea for the prank came from the HP wiki entry on Portkeys

I loved Lily Evans from the first time I saw her, I really did. It was just that sometimes when I looked at Sirius I got confused.

I’m pretty sure the problem started on the night of the liver lips prank of ‘73, which is a long time to be confused about someone, but really it’s not. I’d been confused about Lily even longer and that didn’t look like being resolved any time soon. But the thing with Sirius… he’s my best friend, so most of the time I’d just try to ignore it.

The night of the liver lips prank was also the night that Sirius told me he’d rather kiss me than any of the girls in Hogwarts, and I knew he really meant any girl full stop, not just the ones in Hogwarts. He made it sound like a joke, but I could tell it wasn’t.

It wasn’t fair that Sirius got all the female attention when he didn’t even want it and I couldn’t even get the one girl of my dreams to look at me without it looking like she wanted to throw up.

We’d been hiding under my invisibility cloak when Sirius said that. It was kind of hot and sweaty and I was already uncomfortable, it had nothing to do with what Sirius said. Really it didn’t. We’re mates, and mates don’t care if someone is stupidly in love with a girl who thinks he’s an idiot, is short and fat, or a werewolf or a poof.

But three years on, nothing else had happened, though Sirius moved in to mine over the summer to get away from his cunt of a mother. He fucking loved calling her that. Pete always blushed and Remus buried his head in a book and pretended not to hear. It still wasn’t as bad as some of the stuff she came out with. Even so, I wished he wouldn’t say it in front of Lily, I could tell she thought it was just as bad as calling someone a… a M.U.D.B.L.O.O.D.

When we got back to Hogwarts after the hols, that was all anyone could talk about. Mostly Sirius was a lot quieter, but he yelled at anyone who asked him if he was okay to fuck off. Even me. We all stopped asking after a while. But things between him and the Slytherins got worse and worse - wands at dawn sort of thing. And then he went and pulled that thing with Snivellus that he could never admit was a bit more than just a prank. I knew there were a million reasons for him to be pissed off, but even I knew he went too far with that.

Maybe I should have ignored it when he yelled at me and tried harder to get him to talk about what happened with his family. But I honestly didn’t think he’d actually try and kill Snape. Or that he’d use Moony to do it.

Afterwards, Remus refused to talk to any of us. Even me. Which was really unfair since I was the one to run in and drag that fucking idiot Snape out again.

Sirius kept threatening to punch anyone who came near him. Even me. Though I saved his arse from being expelled and shipped off to Azkaban or his parents’(and both of those are about as good as being dead).

But, it was because of the stand-off between Sirius and Remus that I thought up the Portkey Prank and it was going to be brilliant!

The idea was sheer genius and it played to everyone’s strengths - me as a leader of men, obviously, and strategical genius; Pete for his intense love affair with custard and all its many uses; Sirius who made the idea bigger, more explosive and insisted that should be the year we included professors; and Remus for his skill with the intricate spellwork required to set the whole thing up.

None of them could say no - which would have been unthinkable anyway, since it was Mischief Night and we _always_ did something - and better still they couldn’t stay angry with one another when they had a prank that perfect to work on. Though Remus and Sirius were still really weird around one another. But at least they could be in the same room without threatening a punch up or making snotty remarks.

I knew that was the prank that was going to go down in history.

~*~

I was so excited that I felt like I was going to piss myself, or spunk in my pants or _something_.

Sirius was banned from the feast, so he was under the cloak, under the table, mucking about. He was probably trying to get caught, knowing Sirius.

Me, Pete and Sirius were dressed up like our Animagus forms. I kept forgetting about my antlers and knocking into the decorations and doorways and stuff. Pete moaned about his, of course, and people kept tripping over his tail. Sirius dressed up even though no-one would see him. Remus refused to dress up as a wolf though, and came as Romulus which tickled three Ravenclaws and literally no-one else. To be fair he did have a point about the wolf thing, especially with Snotty Snivelly Snapey around.

The hall was buzzing, full to the brim with the tension of hundreds of kids just waiting to see what was going to happen. Everyone knew we’d been up to something and that it was going to be big. Hogwarts expected!

Dumbledore called for silence and made one of his speeches that lasted all of two minutes.

Remus, being a genius for timing, had said we should hold off until Dumbledore’s speech to get things going - to work up the crowd. The moment Dumbledore lifted his toasting goblet every Portkey in the room became active.

And then Dumbledore vanished and the whole hall descended into chaos.

Sirius poked his head up between my legs, the cloak sliding back off his head, grinning like a fucking lunatic. No-one but me noticed him in all the excitement.

Several more people quickly disappeared, including Snivelly and Regul-arse who had about five Portkeys made just to make sure they ended up in the vat of custard that Pete had been working on in an unused fourth floor classroom - getting to just the right consistency to make it a bastard to get out of.

“Down boy,” I said, shoving Sirius’s head back under the table just in time, as every eye in the place turned to us - me, Wormtail and Moony, anyway. Remus looked ready to commit bloody murder, so I guess he didn’t know anything about Dumbledore’s Portkey. Pete looked like he’d like the ground to open up and swallow him. I guess I must have looked pretty shocked, because Sirius pushed his head into my lap to try and see what was going on and there was no disguising the fact that I’d got a hard on.

I expected him to pull away, which was stupid and proves that sometimes even I forget how mental Sirius is, even when he’d just sent our beloved headmaster into a giant vat of custard.

Professor McGonagall was trying to get everyone back to order. But when she picked up the salt pot to bang on the table she vanished too and that was exactly the moment that Sirius chose to rub his hand over the bulge in my stag outfit.

I froze and all the air went out of my lungs. I honestly didn’t know what to do. Sirius rubbed his hand very _very_ slowly up and down, and I got very _very_ hard.

Then Lily looked right at me. I must have looked like I was about to pass out or something, because that was how I felt. Lily Evans was looking at me and for once she didn’t look like she hated my guts. She looked like she might be trying not to laugh. And that was when it happened. There was an explosion down below and Sirius’s hand went very still. I didn’t dare look down.

Being dressed as a stag turned out to be pretty good for disguising the fact I’d just come in my pants, but it still felt disgusting. I kicked Sirius by accident, getting up, and scarpered.

~*~

I could hear Sirius running after me. He wasn’t exactly being quiet about it, even though he was still under the cloak and if anyone had caught sight of us, it would have looked like I was being pursued by a disembodied voice that kept yelling things like, “Fuck, Prongs, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It was just there and it didn’t seem like the worst thing to do.”

I wasn’t even angry, so I don’t know why I was running away. But I was so busy listening to him that I ran straight into one of the giant webs blocking off the out of bounds areas of the school. “Shit!”

Padfoot started laughing.

“It’s not funny.” I wriggled around, trying to get free and one side of the web detached from the top of the arch. I swung wildly for a moment before the whole thing fell down, wrapping me up inside it. “Get me out, Pads.” My glasses were snatched off by one of the sticky strands. All I could see was a blurred figure looming over me. “Pad… Sirius? Come on, I’m not pissed off, I’m… really fucking sticky.”

Sirius was still laughing. Sometimes when he laughs it sounds like he’s barking, but at that moment it sounded like bubbles rising up inside and spilling out of him.

“I’m so glad that I amuse you so much. Can you give me my glasses at least?”

He loomed closer and a moment later my glasses were being pushed back onto my face.

“Better?”

Sirius was red in the face from laughing so much. I was lying on the cold hard floor, but my head was raised up by my ridiculous antlers. To be honest, in his place, I’d definitely be laughing too. I grinned and Sirius grinned back at me.

“Do you think you could get me out of here? You know, when you’ve finished laughing long enough.”

“What if I don’t?” he asked.

“Uh, then I won’t get out until Filch finds me, probably.” I rolled my eyes at him being weird.

He knelt down beside me and didn’t do anything for a minute. Just looked. Then he said, “No, what if I take advantage of the situation and… what if I do this?” He ran his hand up my thigh.

“You just did that. In the hall,” I said, helpfully. My dick was pretty interested, to be honest.

Sirius grinned wickedly. “You liked it.”

I rolled my eyes at him again. “Of course I liked it, I’m not going to turn down a hand job, am I?” I still wasn’t sure whether it was Sirius’s hand or Lily trying not to laugh that made me shoot off so quickly. Maybe it was both. “Besides, Lily was giving me the look.”

“What look?”

“She’s crumbling in the face of my immense charm. If I’d known dressing like a stag could get her to fancy me I’d have done it years ago.”

Sirius looked like he’d just got an earwax flavour Bertie Bott’s and I felt like a complete shit. It was stupid, I know, but my heart was thumping hard and I really wanted to know if it was Sirius as well. I didn’t know what to do if it was both of them. I doubted they’d both let me have sex with them. I tried to picture the three of us in bed together doing stuff.

It was a big mistake. I was really hard again and Sirius wasn’t exactly politely ignoring it. He rubbed his hand over my crotch, and then he undid the buttons and pulled my dick out.

I looked over his shoulder expecting to see someone - probably Filch, knowing my luck - coming round the corner any second. But nobody did.

Then Sirius put his mouth on me and I made the most embarrassing noise in the history of humanity. Fuck, it felt so good though. It happened too quickly and I forgot to be embarrassed about the noises I made.

When Sirius knelt up again he looked triumphant and hot and dazed, and I could tell he’d got a stiffy, even though he was dressed like a dog and I couldn’t really see.

I had to swallow down my nerves before I could say, “Want me to touch it?”

“Yeah,” he said. He sounded like he’d been barking. His voice was rough.

“You’d better let me out then.”

He hesitated, I’m pretty sure he thought that when I got out I was going to go nuts at him. But he got rid of the web, it disintegrated around me. I sat up. Sirius looked really miserable, so I leaned forward and kissed him without realising I was going to. It was his turn to make embarrassing noises. He gripped my shoulders hard, and while we were still kissing I touched him for the first time. Sirius stopped kissing me and pressed his face against my neck.

He shivered all over and whined against my neck, so I hugged him and told him it was alright, even though I didn’t know how it could be. Not when I knew that he loved me - not just like a best friend and a brother, but in the way that boys aren’t supposed to. And I loved him too.

~*~

The full extent of the prank was pretty impressive, even by Marauders standards.

Peter had sort of forgotten to stop the custard and the more people that got dumped in there the more the custard grew, until the entire classroom was swamped. It broke down the door, spilling out into the corridor in a massive yellow tidal wave.

Some of the students who weren’t used to Portkey travel got sick from it and had to go to the infirmary. Some of them wrote to their parents about it. Some of the parents got so angry they wrote to the Ministry. The Ministry were so angry they created a new law about anyone outside the Ministry not being allowed to create Portkeys.

It was in The Prophet and everything. Not the bit about the custard, just the stuff about all the Portkeys and the new law. We were supposed to be put on trial before the Wizengamot, but Dumbledore pulled some strings and we all got put in detention until Christmas instead.

Our punishment was to clean up all the prank custard, but also we weren’t allowed to have any custard when we had jam roly poly, which was crap. Peter took it the hardest - a few times we caught him sneaking a mouthful of the custard we were supposed to be cleaning up.

Sirius and I started sneaking off together a lot more. All the time. Sometimes we’d bunk off Divination or History of Magic and spend the entire time sucking each other off or something like that. Moony and Wormtail knew better than to ask about stuff we didn’t tell them. We all had our secrets.

It wasn’t until the Christmas hols that me and Sirius decided to stay on at Hogwarts a few days longer. We slept together for the first time on Christmas Eve. It was scary and brilliant and we were both walking like we’d been riding hippogriffs, the next day when we got to mine for the rest of the hols.

We agreed not to do anything while we were there, but neither of us was much good at what Remus called ‘impulse control’. We slept together three more times before the end of the hols.

I loved Lily Evans from the first time I saw her, I really did. It was just that I loved Sirius Black as well.

~*~*~*~


End file.
